No more light

Hollow from the hurt. I look in the mirror and see wide brown eyes staring back at me. Eyes that once lit up with love and compassion, have been blown out. Emptiness soars through my bones and into my heart. There is no more light.

He has time to talk and flirt with other girls and give them his number, but doesn’t have time to build a long-lasting relationship with the woman who could’ve been his wife. Yup, makes sense.

How dare he say that he’s in pain when he’s the one who left me for anything he can get. The worst part is he never thought I was special or valuable at all. If he’s so quick to try to replace me with anything that walks, I was shit to him.

Crushed

Today I found out that the guy I’m in love with, has been giving his number out to other women. It’ s been three days since he’s broken up with me. Yes, my heart is broken. Yes, bourbon has become apart of my breakfast. But something in me was trying to keep it as civil and friendly as possible.

Then I hear this, and all of that goes out the window. My heart just dropped into my stomach and I couldn’t stop shaking. I don’t understand. He said he didn’t have the time to be with me, but he has time to give his number out and tell this girl that he would love to get to know her more? My blood is boiling.

After him making a scene, I told him that I knew what he had done and he just kept babbling about how I didn’t make sense. He was caught. Three days after being with me for many months. Being in love, slow dancing at a park, writing poems for him, hands intertwined swinging while we walk together. And he’s already trying to talk to someone new?

I feel so stupid and angry that I let this happen, and even more so that I feel this way. I couldn’t even fathom talking to someone else right now or even months from now, and have absolutely no desire to “hook up” with anyone. I don’t know if this is just his desperate attempt to have sexual relations with anyone he can, or if he’s just a shitty person and never actually loved me.

I’m hurt, I’m angry. I’m crushed.

Mess

Everyone goes through a rut, and I understand that, but lately nothing is going in the right direction. It has been the most difficult semester of my life. I’ve surpassed a summer where my grandma was sick, my dog having a seizure, losing my aunt to cancer, watching my uncle battle the same war, and being broken up with because anything would make one more happy than being with me. I’ve spent countless hours studying, writing, reading, and researching. And for what? To be told that I can’t even write well? How am I supposed to be confident in pursuing a higher degree at a top school when I can’t even perform to expectation in undergrad? My undergraduate career is over in two weeks and I have zero clue of where I’m going to end up, especially since applying to grad school is now going to be a waste of time; I don’t stand a chance. All this bullshit about how I’m a wonderful analytical and logical writer went out the window. Any hope I had about getting into an amazing program and publishing pieces, books even, is squashed. I’ve been keeping it together for so long, being tough and making sure people couldn’t see what was really going on and I’m just completely falling apart. Any glue that was holding me together is just seeping out especially since I don’t even have the person I’m in love with to lean on. I’m not even going to edit this post or make it less “diary-like” because this is what I am right now. I’m as messy, unorganized, and weak as this blob of an entry.

Hole

I wonder if the hole he made in my heart will ever go away. Or if I’ll have this empty feeling all my life. That something is missing. I can’t feel. I can’t cry. I can’t smile. Everything I loved is gone. He was everything I loved.

Without me

His voice echoes relentlessly in my head…

“The only time I’m unhappy is when I’m with you.”

I didn’t know asking for love was wrong. I didn’t know wanting to feel loved was wrong.

I wanted him to see me, for all that I am. Whatever he sees, is all wrong.

“The only time I’m unhappy is when I’m with you.”

I’m all wrong.

All I wanted was him. My baby. My love.

But I wasn’t good enough. No matter what I did it wasn’t good enough.

“The only time I’m unhappy is when I’m with you.”

Feels like straight bourbon being poured down my throat.

Please put out the fire.

I’m hurting and I’m loving you.

“The only time I’m unhappy is when I’m with you”

He’s gone. He left.

He must be so happy without me.

Just hurts

I poured my heart out to him. A complete state of vulnerability, quivering lips, wet nose, tears dripping off my chin. I told him that I’ve needed him, that I had just endured one of the worst of losses, and he wasn’t there. When I’m anxious I call but theres no answer. When I’ve accomplished an assignment I text, but theres no reply. Everyday I’ve been trying to open the doors that were so suddenly slammed in my face. I try to embrace him, and he politely holds out one arm. He used to squeeze me tightly, kissing my forehead. I beg for an hour of his time, and I can see the reluctance. What kills me is that I still have all of the love. Bodies molding into each other, feeling him linger in my kiss even when its time for both of us to go.

I’m not happy. I try to focus on the other positive aspects in my life. But I’m not happy. Because I’m in love with someone who no longer loves me back.

And it hurts.

It hurts so much.

Battles

Tears streaming down her face, after surviving the attack. Wishing she could melt into his kiss. Feel his arms wrap around her protectively. She forgets how young she still is. How not every attack can be fought alone. She looks up hoping he will be there.