Sometimes I wonder if she was only placed on earth to give love, rather than receive it. She can find pleasure in the small things like showering while the sun fills the room turning her skin a golden color, or seeing her dog run towards her. But maybe she was never loved back by those she loved, because she was only supposed to give.
I just want to stand in the rain and let it all wash away. The confusion, self-doubt, heart ache, everything. I want to feel the water on my face and fill my lungs with the fresh air of nature. I just want to feel new. To be revived.
I understood perfectly. But that didn’t stop me from concocting the imagery in my head. Knowing what couldn’t be and knowing what I wanted. Something had clicked, I felt it. My instinct was to reach out. But I already did that once. But even so, I imagined. And let me tell you, it looked pretty amazing.
Reality won’t stop me from picturing it. And I feel pretty stupid for that. But I don’t know, I trust my instincts. And I was never one to believe in “the right time.”
Maybe it was me. Or maybe it wasn’t. But maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t that at all.
Maybe it could still happen.
It happens in my head.
So I initially created this blog as a space where I could reach people with words and talk out my own issues. Now, I would like to transition both this blog and myself to both writing about and questioning life in every way possible.
I am in such a transitional period of my life where I am now a college graduate, and there is all of this societal pressure to obtain certain goals by certain times. I immediately began pursuing job opportunities and thinking about how much money I could make and which school I should pursue higher education at and what age I will then finish that degree.
The pressure derives from several places not only society, it comes from family, and most significantly it comes from within. I think especially in this generation we have been given this map of what and when we are supposed to accomplish our aspirations, and adding anxiety onto that makes it incredibly hard to derail from that path.
Lately, all my time and energy has been into creating this plan that will make me a good candidate to potential employers, and a successful daughter. But I stopped checking my email and looking over my resume to do a short yoga sequence as both my mind and body were just so tense and frustrated. And afterwards, my mind was open and I was listening to this beautiful background song, and I just let my mind wander.
I thought of my professional goals and all of the uncertainties that those goals are weighed down with. I thought of how I am 100% unsure of how to reach these goals, and how the goals themselves are constantly changing. I thought about how I’m trying to find the mold of what and who I am supposed to be. And I thought of how exhausting it has been, not even two weeks after finishing my undergraduate degree.
I thought of my family, and how I have lost several people at such a young age. And I wondered if they got to do everything they always wanted. I thought about myself, and how I am not promised tonight, or the morning. I thought about how people are just conditioned to follow this relentless cycle of going to school, finding a job, celebrating halloween, celebrating christmas, celebrating valentines day, then wishing for summer, then wanting fall. And in the midst of all of this, working yourself to death, not spending enough time with friends or family, not playing with your dog outside enough, and overall thinking that regardless of everything you have accomplished, it is still not enough in this world that demands prosperity at all costs.
I thought about the book I am currently reading about a woman who is a Harvard professor with immense publications and prestige, who develops early onset Alzheimers, and how as her disease is progressing, she could careless about her lectures or making the meeting or having a tailored suit, and more about seeing her daughters act in a play, having dinner with her husband and remembering kissing him. She wanted more sunny days, and more of her favorite treats. She wanted more happiness before life was ripped away from her.
I think that people, myself 100%, get so wrapped up in trying to do what you’re supposed to that you then neglect all of these other desires because of “lack of time” or the costs. And I think we need to focus on balance. I know that I want to help animals, and I want to change policies regarding animal cruelty and domestic violence. But I also know that I love reading about philosophers and neurological conditions that affect ones learning abilities. I know that I love running in the yard with my dog, and that one of my biggest dreams is to learn piano.
Although one does not need a year new to initiate self-reflection or to embrace change, or to challenge oneself in these ways, it’s a good way to start a new beginning. So, here is to another year of blogging and may it be more about lessons learned, ambitions, and life experiences than anything else.
So here it is, the end of 2016. To think all the way back, to where it began. This year has brought some of the best and some of the worst experiences. I’ve graduated college, building relationships with people that I know will be in my life forever. I’ve struggled immensely with my anxiety and mental/physical health to the point where I thought I had lost myself for good. I was with a man whom I fell in love with and whom broke my heart. I lost both my aunt and my uncle to cancer, and my dog had a seizure. I had one of the best summers, where it takes 4 hours to get to Connecticut for a country concert. I completed my own research, and read some amazing books. I turned 21 with both new and old friends that have my back no matter what. I carried a club, and founded my own. I got to go on some awesome family and friend vacations. I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. The list can go on, and on. But this year has really challenged me mentally and physically. It broke me down, worn me out, shattered my heart. But I don’t regret a second of it. I loved harder than I ever have, I worked my ass off to have the credentials I do, and remained true to my family values.
However, 2016 has made me realize that I never put myself first, or focus on me. I’m constantly focusing on someone else. And so my wishes for 2017 is for the year to be about me. About advancing myself professionally, mentally and physically. To jump start my career doing everything I can for the areas I’m passionate about, and find my way through the professional world. To take the time and care for myself mentally, ensuring that I check in and avoid losing my mental health by monitoring my anxiety and depression. I want to focus more on my physical health, and fill my body with nutrients and vitamins. I want to jog. I want to play the piano, and talk to people about my aspirations and hopes for the world. I want to write about everything I see. I want to inspire everyone around me and execute the changes I’ve always wanted to make. I’m going to smile and laugh. I will welcome sadness and feel pain. And I will take those emotions and turn them into compassion and stealth. I’m going to get to know myself better than anyone ever has. And I’m going to fall in love with me.
So here’s to 2017. May you be filled with health, love, and prosperity in so many ways.
Still got the flowers you sent, and the note you wrote that said, that we’re meant to be forever. I keep them all as evidence, in a drawer under the mirror, filled with empty promises.
No one knew the pain that wreaked havoc inside her. It was beyond her control, an already made decision. One that she had no part in. But it was made. And after fighting for someone that didn’t want her, she began to realize that she has been losing for a while. And if she wasn’t loved back, she would accept it.
But no one knew the pain that wreaked havoc inside her. For she knew all of this was a lie. The lies her confident conscious fed her. She would never stop fighting. There will be no one else.
If he doesn’t love her, she will continue loving him. She will learn to love herself. But she will continue loving him.
Love exists in the realm of eternity. And he is her forever.
Wandering lost, because his heart was my home.
He wanted to laugh with someone else. Kiss someone else’s forehead. Love someone else’s body.
I wonder if he ever thinks of me,
Or if he just couldn’t wait to leave,
The woman who loved him,
Even while she grieved.
To the red bear, the written cards,
the flower hanging upside down,
I whisper I love you.
Why did you hurt me?
Why did you go?
I let him in,
he saw my demons, my darkness,
he said he loved me,
but who could love that?
I cry untill I sleep,
just to awake in pain.
I type a text and delete,
I replay voice mails,
It doesn’t add up,
why would you want to get to know her,
if you had me?