Mess

Everyone goes through a rut, and I understand that, but lately nothing is going in the right direction. It has been the most difficult semester of my life. I’ve surpassed a summer where my grandma was sick, my dog having a seizure, losing my aunt to cancer, watching my uncle battle the same war, and being broken up with because anything would make one more happy than being with me. I’ve spent countless hours studying, writing, reading, and researching. And for what? To be told that I can’t even write well? How am I supposed to be confident in pursuing a higher degree at a top school when I can’t even perform to expectation in undergrad? My undergraduate career is over in two weeks and I have zero clue of where I’m going to end up, especially since applying to grad school is now going to be a waste of time; I don’t stand a chance. All this bullshit about how I’m a wonderful analytical and logical writer went out the window. Any hope I had about getting into an amazing program and publishing pieces, books even, is squashed. I’ve been keeping it together for so long, being tough and making sure people couldn’t see what was really going on and I’m just completely falling apart. Any glue that was holding me together is just seeping out especially since I don’t even have the person I’m in love with to lean on. I’m not even going to edit this post or make it less “diary-like” because this is what I am right now. I’m as messy, unorganized, and weak as this blob of an entry.

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