A monster cursed with a heart.
Shadows and darkness,
never bothered me.
Thoughts invade my brain,
tears and heavy breathing,
Memories of before,
The frustration of wondering why.
Heart beating louder than a drum,
words choking me,
too deep of emotions, too many cares.
You can’t do it they say.
I hear a voice, you’re right.
I hear a voice, you’re strong.
Unable to control the depth,
Is anyone else like this?
Prisoner of my own thoughts.
I see my eyes, wide and hollow.
My limbs, numb from the trembling.
I see my face, a drop of sweat streaming down my cheek.
I can’t hear, but I don’t have to.
I let the storm come down onto me, head tilted upwards with my eyes closed. Every spec of self-doubt, uncertainty, pain, heartbreak, and emptiness flooded onto the ground carrying away what had been weighing on every trembling bone in my body. For a second, there was a mere glimpse of perspective. A feeling of clarity that was so foreign. I am not sure of who I am, or what I will be. But I know what I must do.
And I have never felt more ready.
Acquainted with emptiness, familiar with pain. Her eyes told the sad story that her lips could not.
If anyone reading this can relate to having or experiencing anxiety, you know that quieting the mind seems nearly impossible. I can be doing the most relaxing activities like swimming or getting a massage, and my mind is just going a mile a minute…
I should be relaxing right now.
How can I relax when I still have to do a million things?
I’m 21 years old I should be going out more.
It’s summer vacation why do you have a headache everyday?
I still have to call so and so, make this appointment, and email this person.
Stop worrying about those things, you’re doing something relaxing. Be in the moment.
Sometimes controlling your thoughts can be so stressful and frustrating to the point where it actually induces more anxiety. Even when I practice yoga, or meditate, I find it extremley difficult to think a thought and let it pass without indulging into it.
I hope to someday be able to close my eyes, feel the wind, look up at the sun and be completely present with no lingering thoughts or anxieties.
I hope, someday, to just be free from my mind.
I wish to be apart of the Tikkun Olum movement. In Judaism, this means ‘Repair the World.’
To be a turtle, able to poke his head in and out when they feel the need to be alone or protected. If only humans could do that. If they are feeling threatened or misunderstood, they can just hide inside of their shell.
That’s how I’ve been feeling lately; misunderstood. I mean, do you ever wonder if people really know you? And how could they really know you, if you do not even know yourself too much? I think as individuals living within a society that lacks solidarity, we are often searching for our identity and sense of self. Whether it be on the cliff of mount everest, a yoga class, or the cobblestone streets of Paris, we search for what makes us feel, well, feel like we know who we are.
Each one of us acquires personality traits and characteristics that we can associate with our being. But when I soul search, I am not so sure of what I see. Often times my personality coincides with my emotions and so it is constantly shifting. Does that mean I do not possess an identity? If there is no foundation of who I am, do I even exist? Or am I just another abstract concept of society that is ambiguous and pointless.
In a society that rejects emotion, I wish to feel extraordinary amounts
Today’s society, or arguably the millenial generation, has set this norm where having feelings or emotions is ludicrous. One should “get out of his/her feelings” and focus on priorities. Priority, however, might be more accurate considering money seems to be the sole motivator, and main goal of the youth.
My question is why?
Opening your mind and body to emotion is such a vulnerable, yet wonderful experience. I fear that too many individuals are feeding into this social media lifestyle of being heartless, having trust issues, and being attached to no one but themselves, that we have forgotten how amazing it is to have true relationships with our significant others, friends, and even family.
In a sense, people have become outrageously disposable. There is this unspoken precident that every single human being is replaceable; seemingly a tautology. Which comes first? Alienating one another to the point we have no emotion, or adapting this non-emotional disposition causing us to alienate one another?